Well, he did it. Hammer hurt em. And by “em”, I mean my feelings. In the latest chapter of People Who Should Not Have Internet Access, Money Challenged Hammer has delivered the “video” for his highly anticipated Jay-Z diss track, “Better Run Run”.


*laughter*

Hova, you may recall, made a quick reference to Hammer’s cashflow issues--putting every California goon on his payroll and ultimately filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, remember?-- in a verse in Kanye West’s “So Appalled.” And appalled, King Hammer (as would now like to be called) was. Long retired from his days of restless leg choreography and Olympic-level wackness, he pieced together what is sure to be a viral hit. And by “a viral hit”, I mean passed around like Raz B Kat Stacks at the Source Awards.


Well then.

I don’t trust any Negro who wears shades indoors, especially during the day, and isn’t high on that Whitney or that TI. The boardroom scene that opens the vidjo exists only to tell you, the concerned fan, that he is still "doing stuff". And by "doing stuff", I mean lacking in shame, dignity, and real friends. Here, we see King Hammer, CEO, annoying the shit out of greeting a table of what I presume are henchmen. Goons. Paid Extras. Naturally, one of these gents appears to be wearing sunglasses on the back of his head, which can only mean one thing: he has a little dick also wears Ed Hardy jogging suits and Lugz boots when he's not taking pity on juicy-mouthed colored guys.

King Hammer and his spastic hands then take you, the magnetized viewer who is now searching iTunes for "Better Run Run", on a dark journey through devil worshiping, thinly-veiled insults, and self-humiliation. About a minute into the video, it is made clear that, like our good girlfriend John Legend, someone wants Hammer to fail. The word "swag" has never stung as much as it does when spit from the mouth of a rapper turned financial failure turned preacher turned clothing designer turned rapper.

Some lyrics:

If I knock on ya door, would you come on out? If I knock on ya door that means I'm knockin' ya out. If I knock on ya door, BOY I BUSS YA IN YA MOUF.

*silence*

This man then throws in some illuminati references, some clown ass bastard in a Devil Halloween costume chasing a Jigga-like character, a white suit (always a bad sign), and dancing. Mr. Burrell presents himself as a pure figure, eventually offering counsel to the fake Jay-Z (in a scene where his lips.do.not.move)...and then.....





(wait for it)






(keep waiting)




...he baptizes Jay-Z.

CLAWDA MERCIES.

Jesus be a spontaneous combustion pill.


Well, see for yourself.

Disclaimer: Before you click, understand that the next five minutes will never been seen again. You can pay a bill, start a book, masturbate, or watch this video. With that out of the way, observe a desperate cry for help:


Consider your life changed.

 ~chrisAlexander
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