Hello, children. I write to you today with some advice. No, I can't cure Ugly, but I can do my best to upgrade certain areas of your life...unless you're a Southern rapper named T.I. who just so happens to be alergic to living right, in which case, you've no hope. You marry Miss Piggy, you're stuck with that wayward top lip of hers.

But don't let me get off topic...

As of late, I've witnessed some verbal wig-snatching on these internets. NBA baby daddies are putting hits out on weasel-faced, dick-sucking vampires via Twitter. Woman-beating R&B singers are trading dark-skinned jokes with roadkill-faced bloggers. Aforementioned dick-sucking vampires are exposing the cocaine habits of fellow failed abortions who "rap''. Where is Claire Huxtable when you need her?!?


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Well, snatching wigs via stolen internet from the comfort of the women's shelter is one thing. But, would you know how to conduct yourself if a heated situation requires you to "say it to [someone's] face"?

No? Thought so.

Backhanding the aggressor is one option. Or, you could shit on their entire existence, by physically snatching a wig.

Exhibit A:


Observe, ladies, the proper way to snatch a wig. Here you have two ladies on the Ricki Lake show, bickering over a cryogenically frozen and thawed freed slaved. This, of course, took place when altercations where encouraged on TV. I shall note that If one has the ovaries to remove a baldness concealer (wig) from another woman's dome, you must be fully prepared when the favor is returned in the form of a right ChrisBrown (fist) to the grill. Yes? Yes.

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Now, Madame Upholstery Pantsuit, utilized the most important aspect of the Wig Snatch: Surprise. Mid-sentence, while le Homewrequer was boasting about her exploits, Madame Upholstery Pantsuit (the scalp liberator), maintained eye contact. She sat still. And three things happened:

01. Without making any declarative statements, Madame Upholstery Pantsuit helped herself to Le Homewrequer's wigpiece. She was swift. Rather than utilizing the most popular snatching technique (grabbing from the top of the head), Madame pulled from the back of the dome in one swoop and liberated the scalp. Genius!!

02. The borrowed wig was then flung out of reach.
     02a. Then, after removing the wig, she gave homegirl the "Now what?" face. She was neither pressed, nor bothered, nor fearful of retaliation.

03. Le Homewrequer gasped, shat in her skirt, stood, and...did nothing.
     03a. Madame Upholstery Pantsuit then snatched the wig cap off.



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...did you observe the shattering of her world? How do you get your wig AND wig cap snatched, and THEN get escorted off stage??

Homewrequer, you lose.

THAT. is. HOW. you. SNATCH. a. WIG.
The point is, there's a technique to it. Snatching and running is fantastic. However, snatching and standing to watch the meltdown is a whole different level of thug.

Other shining examples:

Perhaps my favorite wig snatching of all time:

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or


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or

Although...this one makes me a LITTLE sad, because I figure she was likely a subsitute teacher in a classroom full of heathens, and probably went home and drowned her troubles in a mug of prune juice.



Lot's to remember, kids. Remember: Snatch. Wait. Watch their world crumble. Easy, right? Right. Just imagine, if Da Brat had snatched her opponent's wig, rather than mollywopping homegirl in the face with a bottle of booze that fateful night, she might not be picking up roadkill on the side of a Georgia highway, with her nuts tucked into her jumpsuit right now.
Do better kids. Snatch, don't punch.

Good day.

~coloredboy


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