The year is 2010. A man named after a yeast infection cream, Plaxico Burress, recently went from Superbowl champion to D-Block Superbitch.

The much-feared mythical beast, The Ashantisaurus, still roams landfills and shopping mall parking lots, melting brains and devouring unsuspecting Virgins.

Unborn Negro Baby Swallower Number One, Kim Kardashian, is, despite the popular saying, on the verge of becoming a housewife.

And we are one year into a presidency that most thought would never happen. Congratulations America.

Not only do we have a non-Caucasian Commander-In-Cheif, but he is light-skinned with no Negro dialect at that!

Shazzam!



With this epic change, we self-respecting earthlings should feel a sense of responsibility to better ourselves and, overall, pull it together. Although BET is still in existence, that doesn't mean you and I need to continue to glorify Satan and shame our mothers on a daily basis. Those goons will have to answer to Saint Damita Jo on Judgment Day. That's nothing I need to be concerned with.
With coloredboy.net's on-going campaign to STAMP OUT STUPIDITY, and, in general, help you live a more better (yes, more better), Jesus-approved life, it is our duty to bring you into the light the best way we know how:

HUMILIATION.

Yes. An old-fashioned face kick to your ego is the most efficient way to bring about change, yes? Thought so. You can now rely on coloredboy.net to jumpstart your spirit and show how just how fucking wretched you really are...in the name of progress, of course.

Now, there are several things that, in the "Age Of Obama", should be punishable by death. We shall better your quality of life one ego face kick at a time. Lessons shall be presented not in order of importance, but in a way to make this transition out of Wretchitude as quick as possible.

Ready?

Alright.

*deep sigh*

(awkward silence. papers are being shuffed at the podium.)

*clears throat*

We would all love to achieve that "I-Just-Rolled-Out-Of-Bed-After-Sniffing-A-Pound-Of-Coke-and-Getting-The-Life-Banged-Out-Of-Me-and-Still-Look-Like-a-2.1 Million-Dollar-Bill" look, right?

I'll agree the disheveled appearance does work for some people, sometimes.

No time to beat that mug? FINE.

Think your wig looks better askew? FINE.

Don't feel like buttoning your acid washed, boot cut jeans? You have no business wearing them, but FINE.

Inclined to let those titties hang like God intended? ..............okay, FINE.

It's your prerogative. Do whatcha wanna do. All of that is acceptable.

However.

*dramatic pause*

The same freedom does NOT extend to oral hygiene.

In the "Age of Obama", there is no reason for adults to leave the house with baby shit breath. Innocent bystanders should not know with absolute certainty that you had butthole and garlic pizza for dinner last night.
Allow me to explain. Today, I did workstudy at the illustrious Debbie Reynolds Dance Studio. We are a multicultural facility, so I have become immune to the...more interesting personal scents of foreign visitors. No biggie. While one of my American ass coworkers was talking TO (as opposed to with) me, I was suddenly overcome with a strange sensation. I felt my skin cooking. A tingling sensation shot throughout my body and I, somehow, was able to immediately identify it: this is how it feels to be embalmed.

Oh no.

This person who shall remain nameless and sexless had apparently dragged HIS black ass out of bed and dared to communicate with me the morning after HE had consumed a rotting corpse, and a toothbrush had not crossed HIS path.

No. No. No.

Say it with me:

TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE IN THE AGE OF OBAMA.

I couldn't even make eye contact as he talked AT me for fear that my eyes would fall out of my head.

A few quick, easy steps could prevent you from being that coworker nobody wants to get close to.

1. Lay off the twice-baked dirty diaper nuggets.
Perhaps your Garlic and Goatsex chewing gum isn't the most appealing flavor for social interaction. If you're prone to "heavy period breath", keep mints, gum, and travel-size mouthwash close by. Nasty ass.

2. Realize that people aren't shedding tears of joy when speaking to you.
If people always look away, look down, or look as if they're mid-stroke while you speak, there could be an issue. Face it: your breath stinks. To be clear, your breath HURTS like finding out your fiancé left you at the altar...for your father. You've got that whole onion effect going on. You bring motherfuckers to tears. In a bad way. Grasp it. Process it. Deal with it.

3. Brush your damn teeth. Regularly. Several times a day even.
While it used to be cool to share your unwashed finger with a friend after fingering a girl, this was never cool as far as mouths were concerned. Not only will brushing prevent your teeth from matching those brown gums, you'll keep those around you happy. Don't forget to ACTUALLY use toothpaste, jerk. And before you ask: no, Jack Daniels is not an acceptable substitute.

And there you have it. Three easy steps to help deal that swamp breath. Remember, it is never okay to be the guy or girl who makes an amputee wish they still had legs...so they could roundhouse your nasty ass in the face. Not cool.

Hopefully you haven't been overwhelmed. With all of this in mind, you are now one step closer to LIVING RIGHT IN THE AGE OF OBAMA.

Pass this on to anyone you consider a friend. Don't be the reason they make hearts stop with a parting of the lips. Also not cool.

Enjoy the rest of your day. Go brush your teeth just because.

*chris.alexander

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