Please advise the Mexicoons above me that they do not live in a shack in Mexico City with a dirt floor. They do, however, live on the second floor of an apartment complex in LITTLE Mexico in Califerny. They fail to realize that their endless cucaracha-stomping contests are not considerate of their downstairs neighbor, me. I imagine their Lil Mexico Soccer League practices must get pretty spirited up there, but such events would be safer outdoors...where there's no risk of damaging their shrine to La Mexicana Divina (the Divine Mexicunt), Eva Longoria.

I have yet to see what they look like, but I assume that the kids are the equivalent of 1,397 tacos de pollo (1,397 chicken tacos- 400-lbs) apiece, wear cinder block zapatos and must be Hat Dance champions, with all the practice they get on that pretty wood floor. Oh Gracious Saint Selena, perhaps they've missed the memo that you don't have to flatten tortillas by foot anymore. I'm searching here, can you give me a sign?

Maybe they slide their furniture to and fro in an attempt to maximize sleeping space on the floor for when their cousins come to (legally, of course) "visit".

To make matters worse, they seem to ignore the old-fashioned New York "broomstick to the ceiling with fervor and a stank face" maneuver. In New York, that means "You have clearly lost your mind(s) up there. Lay off the coke-fueled wrestling matches. You are drowning out my porn. Cease and desist immediately." Apparently there's no Mexican translation for this.

Wondrous Queen of Black Lip Liner, I kneel at your feet. Saint Selena, I shall humbly await direction from you. I hope we can handle this matter painlessly and without a call to Immigration.

Yours respectfully,

chris.alexander