Hello there.

Happy New Year, and stuff. As I have recently returned to the restaurant world, I am once-again blessed with an endless cast of characters who shall enrich my life and (indirectly) yours. My current gig finds me in a very casual joint at Sunset/Vine in Hollywood. The thought of serving LA residents and visitors is quite exciting, even if only for the daily blog fodder I'll be exposed to.

My first day on the floor, the ONLYEST sketchy Negro to walk through the door magically ended up in my section. Fine. Think: the guy who stands to the right of the entrance to your favorite corner store, bumming change and loosies (single cigarettes for the ignorant). Picture the ashy knuckles, noisy (in color and in sound) yellow and brown track suit, and the almost-charming unintentional grunge look. Notice the deliciously putrid scent of LaToya Jackson's Eau de Failure For Men dropkicking you in the face. Yep. That guy.

To make a LONG story short, in between lengthy bathroom trips he ordered and devoured enough breakfast to feed the cast of "Fat Girl's Club" and guzzled Fanta the way Omarion sucks down Irrelevancy Cola. It was a sight, to say the least.

After one final bathroom trip, he creeps up on me and stammers:

"Yo, ummmm. I just accidentally flushed my money down the toilet. Ummm. My bad. I can wash some dishes if you want."

Me: .....................um. Lemme get a manager.

Yes. Flushed his money down the toilet, he sure did. That, Penises and Vaginas, is a new one. I've heard some pretty amazing things as a waiter, but that is truly a first. To their credit, Junkies are quite the creative bunch, you know. How does one flush their money down the toilet?

Was it in a balloon inside his booty along with the coke that also coated his knuckles?

Did he wipe his butt with his cash and send it down the shitter?

I don't get it. HEPP ME HEPP YOU PREVENT A REPEAT, sir.

After he unconvincingly begged to wash a few dishes, my manager counted it as a loss, and he was asked to leave...and lie down in traffic.

And that was just the first day. In anticipation of the magical times to come, have a gander at some of my past experiences as a waiter in New York. HERE. Adventures in Restaurantland is back, kids!

Look out for part two of Chris Alexander's Guide to Eating Out. Good times ahead.