The second week of working two jobs is off to an interesting start. As mentioned last week, we got a new coworker Monday.
She is probably the most memorable negress I've met in weeks. From her birth, her parents were aware of her glory, and couldn't just give her some old regular ass name like Champagne, Tiffany, or Shaquandanella. Oh no. She obviously slid out that 'gina on some "I'm here, motherfuckers" shit, so naturally, the name must match the child.
Momma accepted the challenge (because, face it, you know she was a single, unwed black girl) and dug deeeeeeep into the Big Book of WhatTheFuck and pulled out THE most grand, stupefying name.
Beyonce Giselle?!?
*throws trash can*
No.
Homegirl's name is:
MESHESHA.
I'll let that sink in.
I said, MESHESHA, yall.
DOUBLE.DIGRAPHS.on.that ass.
Who you know named Meshesha?
HUH?
You thought doubling up vowels and adding in punctuation marks all willy nilly into lil Jaa:Qu'ariantaviiush-Keronde's name or ravaging the dictionary to find the perfect name for lil Radiance-Empress Williams made him or her special?
HAYLE NAH!
When employers see:
Jaa:Qu'ariantaviiush-Keronde Jones
187 Fail Way
MyParentsHateMe, USA
on that resume, you think he's gonna be considered for anything other than zookeper or fry cook?
Psssshhhh.
Meshesha, though?
Destined for greatness from birth: Executive knob slobber. With no interview.
POW!
Meshesha (cue harp strums and sunshine) lives up to her glorious name. She's not bad-looking at all, if you're into hard jawlines and broad-backed broads. In a smoky club, one could glance over and be convinced they were seeing CCH Pounder's niece making it clap.
She's reasonably intelligent. Meshesha doesn't like being told what to do, so she's a liiiiitle abrasive. (Think: Tameka Foster-Raymond's stubble) She's about as refined and polished as an ashy '87 Toyota Tercel. Living with those piss-yellow Jaundice eyes, she's had to develop tough skin...that apparently reacts to lotion like Tyler Perry reacts to 'gina: she'll spontaneously combust. Her body is a lotion and stocking-free zone. She's a "modern" woman, I presume, that is silently protesting deoderant and doesn't believe in single-use condoms.
And I LOVE it. Ain't too many things on this earth better than a defensive, ashy, hard-faced girl.
Go 'head: NAME ONE THING.
Exactly.
Being the two coloreds without our own moons and orbit (Sorry Aisha), they've paired us up. I explained our assignment to her, and she immediately responded with, "...but that doesn't make sense," and proceeded to explain her own genius method.
The room was silent.
No protest from me. I couldn't risk her slicing this mug with that sharp ass jawline of hers.
*shudders*
She eventually followed instructions, but not without interrupting me e.ver.y 5 minutes for clarification. Of course, I graciously explained everytime (murderous JAWLINE!!!) and we both survived the day.
By the end of the day, Keith, the portly Milkdud of a man with the caramel-obstructed windpipe, must have been hopped up on those brown sugar Poptarts he was smashing and found the nerve to pitch some woo at Meshesha.
McFAIL!
"Ahm involved."
Keith consoled himself with a tasty baby goat and that was that. For some reason, I believe Meshesha is a lesbian, which would be amazing. She could be my guard dog. That JAWLINE could fend off the Swine Flu!
Sheesh.
Anywho, time to pretend to be busy. Remember, protect your neck from murderous JAWLINES and don't make direct eye contact with Jaundice-eyed girls.
Happy Wednesday.
-chris.alexander
1 comments/Ashanti Terminator 5000 credits for this post
I can't wait to hear more tales of Meshesha!! This chick is fukkin' MYTHICAL! Like a griffin.