i just need to say a few things in general. to nobody in particular. these things are being released into the universe. if they move you, great. if not, great. but i will say them anyway.

1. i'm not a bad person. i've done some horrible things in my past, to people i love/loved, but i'm not a bad person. mmkay?

i'm at an...interesting place with a person i consider/considered a good friend. i love this person, but because of various circumstances, we are not as close as we once were. it happens. thankfully, i do NOT agonize over this as i once did. i've said my piece MANY MANY times, and have moved on from the situation. sadly, what i've expressed doesn't really leave much room for action. i said what i said. they agreed with most of it. i feel how i feel. now what? exactly. i don't know either.

if we happen to mend those fences, beautiful. if not, beautiful. i'm glad to have known you. we've had a beautiful relationship, but shit happens. people grow apart. siblings grow apart. friends grow apart. it happens. out of my control. unfortunately for them, the ball is, sadly, in my court, apparently. and....the way i'm feeling right now, i'm gonna let that bitch dribble and roll indefinitely. i know not what to do. i don't have the strength to pick the ball up and put it back in play. i just don't. i may come off heartless, but i just can't rehash things and explain myself any longer.

i'm not a bad person. i don't say this to convince you, but as a reminder to me. regardless of how i am led to feel about things...i feel how i feel and that's that.

i may be babbling, but....if you're meant to get this, you will. if not, beautiful.

2. i'm still in love with you. we're not together, for a host of reasons, all unfortunate. we agreed to separate, but...i'm just not over it. i've been told by you and others to get "us" out of my system, to shake it off...but, nah. i haven't.

i'm not into settling.

in time, sure. i'm aware of that. i tell myself that every day. and i fight with myself not to reach out to you as much, because...we're supposed to be cooling out. "friends." right? moving on is much easier for you, obviously, and i respect that. but...yea. i'm not ready. and, quite honestly, i see no rush. those i've met in our wake simply don't compare to you, or (honestly) to the one before you. whatevs.

sex is more important to everyone than it is to me. i've gone without for almost a year. which, in my eyes, puts my formerly "sexually liberated" ass back on virgin status. there are an infinite number of more important things on this earth to concern myself with. what's the rush?

maybe it wont happen with you, but it'll happen. in time. i've been telling myself that everyday.

i'm...just not into settling.

*sigh* i'm still in love with you.

just figured you should know.

good night.