ah yes. so, let's go back to march 2007. i was living in a dope ass apartment with my roommate, the then-36 y/o head of digital media for softsheen-carson (think dark and lovely and Optimum relaxers/products) at the time. we'd had no issues up to this point. i had lucked out, finding an amazing space with a great, hard-working, generous roommate.

enter kyle, her beefy personal trainer-turned-boytoy, who provided endless entertainment (and an opportunities for lust-filled staring on my behalf) for me and my blog readers. this extended saga was my one of my favorite things to write about. re-reading it gave me another opportunity to behold the luscious wonder of this man. sweet jebus. he was quite the shitbag, though. my first major encounter with kyle (who i lovingly referred to as sweetback) and the roommate:

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then: Sweetback started stepping out on Chiquita (not her real name, but I dubbed her this as the dumb fuckin' name fits the dumb fuckin' woman). and hilarity ensued.

so. my 36-year old roommate is out of town. where is she? i don't care. her electric toothbrush and thermos are gone, meaning she's not in the state of new york. whatever.

i'm washing clothes...downloading music and porn, minding my business. talking to M on the phone....

who walks in? her goddamn 23 year old boyfriend/fuckbuddy. as annoyed as I may be...i expect this. he ALWAYS pops up with luggage when she's gone. whatever.

so i'm chatting....and i hear a woman's voice. okay fine.

so i walk in the living room to investigate. no roommate. but who is here? some lil porta riffa ass skank.

(gasps)


exactly.

mind you....he's 23. and she doesn't looks between 18 and 21. god daughter my motherfuckin ass.


and....

just because i'm a dickface...here's his pictures...


these were um...."acquired"....from his laptop. that's all i'm saying. this isn't about me. dammit.

so. i come back in my room to resume my activities and then head out to grab something to eat...and these motherfuckers are all cozy on the couch. and we've got 2 decent sized couches....


but these bitches arent just sitting beside eachother, but these bold asses are on some his-head-in-her-lap type shit. okay fine. he doesnt even flinch when i left...didn't move or try to change positions real quick or anything...

so i come back from getting my food...and i come back to an empty living room.


okay fine. i thought they left...

but....i saw her shoes....



and her coat....



and her purse and overnight bag....



keep in mind that this gentleman, at one point used the LAST of my motherfucking Pathmark laundry detergent, has eaten the last of my chinese food on two occasions AND has stolen porn (which he called "borrowing) from me (which was later stolen BACK from him).
_____________________________________________________________

THEN: the fam chimed in. i got advice from all over on how to handle the situation.

(1) approach the well-endowed dirtbag and tell him

a) "Either you tell her or I will." or

b) "If you sling a lil dick my way, I'll forget his even happened!"

(2) be vague. Ask my roommate if she was okay with the well-endowed dirtbag having company here while she's away...avoiding all specifics..and let her figure the rest out.

Me: Ummm.....yea. I'm not trying to cause drama or anything, but I just think you should know that a girl was here last night with Kyle.

Her: .......oh really? Did she...spend the night?

Me: Yea. some yellow chick. Looked young. Just felt like you should know, because it made me uncomfortable as fuck...

Her: Oh...(visibly shocked)...yea......okay....Thanks.

Me: oh shit.

Her: Wow...............................(long pause) Well....I most likely know who she is.

Me: Oh.....okay...sorry.

Her: Nah Iss arright. don't trip. I aint.

Her: "They did sleep on the couches....right?"

Me: Nah. Not on the couches.

__________________________________________________

of course she took him back.

Every now and then there comes a point where even I am at a loss for words. (hard to believe, i know) As some of you may (or may not) know, I prides (yup) myself on being....an asshole. Exposing jackasses, dipshits, retards, fuckfaces, jigaboos, niggers, and life ruiners to the masses brings me unmatched joy and gives me a feeling of accomplishment. It gives purpose to my otherwise petty existence. Today, ladies and gentlemen, I am stumped........I don't think y'all heard me! I said, I AM STUMPED. Dammit. The stupidity of one individual has stupified and shocked the fuck out of ME. (gasp from the audience) I think that I must acknowledge an individual who has gone to great and previously unseen lengths to secure her place in history. Initially, I was weary of laying such a huge title on her, but after last night I am confident that no further deliberation is required. I have not found the fountain of youth, the meaning of life, the holy grail, jesus' gravesite, or Michael Jackson's original nose....My beloved readers...

I have found the dumbest bitch in the WORLD!

(applause)

WHO, you are surely asking yourself, is worthy of such a distinction?

Don't worry your pretty little head or wrinkle that prettly lil brow in deep thought because dammit I shall tell you.

I'm sure you recall the well-documented drama that went on in my apartment about 10 days ago....

If your memory sucks, or you lived under a rock with the King of R&B (Bobbbayyy), check it out for yourself.

Stupid Hoes DO exist

Brush with stupidity #2

Well pimps and hoes, it appears my beloved...stupid as fuck, but beloved roommate was struck by that which has turned many intelligent, promising broads into mindless, open-legged, bill-paying, vagina-surrendering skeezers. Yes, folks. My roommate was hit by some good dick. My looking-for-love ass roommate allowed that raggedy, dick slangin, subway car benchpressing ass manwhore back into her life....and our apartment.

(awwwww from the audience)

lemme splain.

So. I'm in the kitchen last night. minding my own goddamn business. (This of course, AFTER i won the $3 lotto jackpot). I'm having a drank of delicious, ice cold, germ-filled Brooklyn tap water. My roommate runs out of her room looking like a heap of whatthefuck....all bewildered and crazy-looking with her AintYamama headwrap...tombout:

"did the doorbell rang???"

me: (looks at phone. it's 12 fuckin 48) "no...?"

dumbass: "oh. (smacks teeth) well (looooooooooooooooong pause) kyle's staying for a week until him and his roommate work thangs out..."

and she dashed back in the room.

(eye roll from me)

it was THEN, ladies and gentlemen--THAT EXACT MOMENT....that I was stumped.

Fucking. Stumped.

It was also at that moment that I realized that my life's mission was complete. I was not put here to dance. Not to love or be a good friend, son, uncle, or brother. I, Chris Alexander, was put on this goddamn earth....to locate and expose stupid bitches such as my roommmate. And through humiliating accounts, ensure that the cycle of stupidity, coonery, and fuckery (stolen word) is STOPPED. STOPPED, STOPPED I say!! (Then the sky parted and Jesus smiled down upon me and said..."good work, my child. this time you found the mother of all the world's dumbasses.")

(sigh)

Let's not forget that this is the SAME kneegrow that brought another vagina (the porta riffa one who's 'gina smelled like goya) into our apartment while my roommate was out of town, cuddled up on the couch with her and then impaled her with his 15 inch dick of death.....in the SAME bed where he dug for gold in my roommates vagina.

So...I randomly wake up @ like 3:84 to go piss...and i spot that big ass back of his sprawled out, shirtless in boxers on the couch. Which couch?

this couch.

just a reminder of the 23 y.o. he-man/woman-banger who's been stupifying broads all over the tri-state area:

all jokes aside, can we just have a moment of silence for that back?

(bows my head)

lord. i almost forgot the point i was trying to make. focus. where the hell was i?

Ahh, yes.

So...he's staying with us for a week. I'll be sure to keep all porn, chinese food, and other valuables out of sight.

This is GOING to be an interesting week.

Just when I thought there was hope for her yet, she proved me wrong. Well, she didn't just prove me wrong, yall. She proved.......that she......is the.......(say it with me)

DUMBEST

BITCH

IN

THE

WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So folks, it gives me great pleasure to present the

George Bush Failed Abortion 2007 Award

to

MY ROOMMATE

CHIQUITA!!!

(APPLAUSE)

Unfortunately, she couldn't be here to accept this award; she's out shopping for dickwarmers for her fuckbuddy.

If you DO see her in the streets, please, by all means, deliver a few sharp judo chops or drop kicks to the back of that hoe's dome. Please. For me.

Thanks.